It started last week the soft ache that begins deep in my soul. It’s so faint I almost don’t notice it except during the quiet still moments. My heart know all these years later even before my brain does. This was the last week, these were the last days. Over the days the ache grows into the peak today; with a deep soul wrenching pain that only be honored and sat with. This pain cannot be moved on from and when tried it only deepens and threatens the future. Over the years I have learned for myself that I must honor the ache that began days ago to be able to live and love fully the other days of the year. I take this day for self care and I do whatever my heart and soul needs to honor what was and what was lost along with being thankful for what is present and what was born out of what was lost. I think of Mike everyday in some way – some days more than others though at this point I smile when I think of him and rarely are there tears with these memories. I am blessed with a beautiful life and I am grateful for everything that God has given me. Today even though there is gratefulness and happiness in my soul I honor the pain and ache that also resides there as I remember Mike.
I bring up this duality of loss to show that if you are grieving the loss of a loved one it is possible to find happiness in your life and honor those you love and lost. Also the range of emotions you have are completely okay. Don’t ever be ashamed to show your pain or your joy. If you support a widow in your life use this as a reminder that the pain and grief never goes away. It ebbs and flows over the days, weeks and years. Even as we learn to lean back into life we carry our loss with us and believe me we never forget. We are strong because God gives us that strength and honestly I wasn’t given the choice in the beginning to be anything but strong. Now I choose to show strength and resilience most days because I am raising amazing children who I want to remember their dad and live fully the life they have before them.
As I honor an amazing man today and allow the ache in my soul to be present I encourage you to love those in your life a little more. Bless a widow in your life with your presence.
I sat around a table full of women in February and on my way home I recalled a time when I sat in my home office in the week after Mike had passed; all of the family and friends had gone home it was just me and the kids. I recalled the feeling of intense loneliness; I felt as if I was the only 33 year old widow in the world and I was so alone. The tears almost overwhelm me now thinking about those feelings and how alone I felt during that time. I was not alone really, I had tons of friends, family and people who were circling around to help and support us; though none of them could really understand what young widowhood looked like. I am grateful for a friend who reached out to a widow they knew who then had that widow reach out to me – we live hundreds of miles away from each other but she was the beginning of the expansion of my tribe.
Over that first year my tribe began to slowly grow by connecting with other widows on-line which now seems obvious though in 2011 it wasn’t the 1st place to look for support. In my searching for other widows I found Modern Widows Club and Carolyn Moor. She is my friend and mentor and has helped me personally reach some of my goals which included starting my own MWC Chapter in Waconia; I am watching my tribe grow and grow each month. This is the tribe of women that sit around my dining room table each month; we connect, grow, love and support each other. They remind me that I need them as much now as I did all those years ago sitting in my home office. Yesterday as I sat around that table with those beautiful women it reminded me why I keep reaching out to widows within our community and reaching out to organizations that can help support widows.
My tribe now consists of widows and non-widows who support and love widows; my life is fuller because of each of them. Expanding and growing your tribe is one of the first steps in leaning into life in widowhood.
The list goes on and on of how women use the word widow all over the place to explain how their spouse is off doing something they enjoy and they are left behind for…”gasp”…a few days.
Please don’t confuse your “widowhood” that includes shopping, sales and spas with my real life widowhood!”
I am no saint for sure and I likely used the word nonchalantly prior to being a real Widow. I realized though real life loss that I would take Mike back in a heartbeat even if it meant I didn’t see him much on the weekends in the fall and spring as I was a “Farm Widow”.
I pray for the women that sound like they are complaining about their “widow” status that they never experience real widowhood.
If you are reading this you know at least 1 Widow in your life – ME. If you have ever used this word and you are not truly a widow please consider how it might make the Widow in your life feel; when you try to compare your weekend without your spouse to her lifetime without her spouse.
Ponder that for a while and while many here in Minnesota get closer to what is referred to “hunting widows weekend” think about what you could do for a Widow that you know and how you could possibly make her full-time Widow status easier. On a side note that just because your friend is dating/remarried or has been widowed for many years doesn’t mean she “Revokes her Widow Card“.
Here are a few ideas from my friend and mentor Carolyn Moor, Founder of Modern Widows Club.
- Donate to Modern Widows Club – We serve to empower widows to lean into life, build resilience and make a positive difference in society. We do so on-line and within 15 cities hosting social hours each month.
- Offer to babysit her kids so she can run errands in peace, get a massage or grab a coffee uninterrupted.
- Bring her a meal
- If you’re a handyman offer to fix that broken door handle, tune up her snow blower, put away her patio furniture – the list here could go on and on….
- My personal favorite is offer to spend Friday or Saturday night with her! Bring a bottle of wine, a great movie, snacks and enjoy her company.
Widows are the busiest and loneliest women that I know.
Today the weather fits my mood or maybe the weather dictated my mood for today. Either way I am 100% completely sad and want to curl up under the covers, binge watch Netflix and mope. So I am going to do just that for a while; I am granting myself permission to grieve; to honor these emotions and feelings today. Then I am going to step back outside my “waiting room” and focus on the great things in my life. Mike wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
It is hard to believe that Mike has been gone for 5 years…157,784,760 seconds. That is a lot of time that has gone by since I last held his hand or heard his voice tell me that he loved me. That is also a long time for life to move forward in amazing ways. The kids are thriving and I am blessed to love and be loved by an amazing man. This is the “duality of loss”. Grief and loss never goes away, we learn to live and move forward in amazing ways when we can see and honor both sides of loss.
I am beyond grateful for this beautiful life that I have right in front of me and the man I get to love every day, though today I am honoring and remembering the life that I originally had planned and the man that I love every day but lost.
I would not be on this plane enjoying Gods beauty or a free margarita if my husband had not died. Who knows where I would be but that isn’t for me to ever know because that wasn’t my journey. This is my path; God created me for this purpose.
I flew home from Sedona last Sunday after a beautifully inspiring weekend with my “soul sisters”, the other Chapter Leaders for Modern Widows Club.
Spending 4 glorious days with these amazing women helps me to remember:
- Mike is so proud of me and how I am living. This is what he wanted for me and he told me before he died, I just didn’t know what it looked like till now.
- Life is short – live loudly and boldly for what you believe.
- Every journey is different, but beautiful in its own right.
- The only person I ever have to be is ME!
I am connected with my “soul sisters”. We have a connection and a bond that can never be broken. No matter how many miles separate us we will always have each other’s backs. These “sisters” include the widows that come to my home every month for our social hour. I am grateful and thankful for each of these women because they hold a very special place in my heart❤️. I am especially thankful for my dear friend Carolyn Moor. She founded Modern Widows Club and had allowed me the opportunity to flourish after my loss.
Enjoy this beautiful long weekend with lose you love and remember to be grateful for all that you have!
As I celebrated my middle son “graduating” today from 4th grade and heading to middle school; I am also just a little sad about what memory this day will always hold too. I have had a few demolition days in my life, but this is the anniversary of a very memorable demolition day. Today 6 years ago Mike was diagnosed with a brain tumor and everything in my life that I knew fell down around me. I have heard before everyone is just a moment away from their knees and believe me that is the day that I hit my knees like I had never till then.
Music connects my heart and soul to what rings true in my head so today when I heard Nicole Nordeman’s song The Unmaking it rang true with my how I have turned this life changing day into a beautiful and amazing life but it took a lot of work to get here. There have been many days that I been unmade and life has fallen apart around me…all that was planned had to be changed. There is beauty in the breaking of the life that once was because now I can find the life that God had planned for me. Mike’s diagnoses was just the beginning of how God had to help me lose myself to draw closer to him. I was also reminded as her words rang true “Before each beginning there must be an ending” and my life as I knew then and even Mike’s life had to end before I could begin again. It was all God’s plan which is hard to understand when you are in the thick of it. As I look back now on this “anniversary” I can see the beauty in the story and the history.
May you find a song or two or even 100 that hold you up, help you find strength and courage to keep moving forward no matter where you are at within your journey in life. I would love to hear what song makes you sing at the top of your lungs in the car and even though it might make you cry does it bring you peace too?
Here is the link for Nicole’s music video – Enjoy! https://youtu.be/VQkHD15J7HI
One of the things that has come out of remaking of this life for me is writing a book about what it is like to be on the other side of the cancer journey as the spouse. Below is a quick excerpt out of my book, I hope to publish it someday, but right now it is for me and the kids and small pieces that I share with you.
The door slowly opened and a sweet, soft-spoken nurse came out and told us that the phone on the table next to us was going to ring and on the other end would be Mike’s oncologist from the Mayo Clinic. It all happened so fast that I didn’t have time to think about the next thing that was going to happen and how our world was going to be demolished in just seconds. The phone rang and Dr. Hubbards voice was on the other end and then clear as day she said “I hate to do this over the phone, but Mike you have a brain tumor”. I think I might throw up, I think I might throw up. God help me!!!
What are your demolition days and how have you turned the rubble into something beautiful?